Dear Stewart,

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. This friend has the prettiest blue eyes.

I've known this person for years, and only lately have I really looked into his eyes. Do you think that's weird? Maybe it is. To be fair, we weren't that close all this time, more like friendly acquaintances. I've started doing this with more regularity with other people, too, and I think it's making a change in my life. 

I have esotropia, a fancy name for being cross-eyed. I've had it, obviously, since I was born. At some point during the first 4 or 5 months of my life (sorry, I'm hazy on the details because I was something of a baby at the time) I had some sort of surgery to correct the problem, but either medical science in the 1970s was inadequate for this issue or I had a lame surgeon, because it didn't work. Or maybe it did: maybe my crossed eyes would be a lot worse, were it not for the surgery. Anyway, so I grew up with a lazy eye, cross eyed, whatever you want to call it: subject to people asking if I was looking at them or someone else, the jokes. It wasn't that bad, because most of the people around me are nice, but I'll admit that sometimes I wondered if people noticed it.

[Note: I don't know if this is medically accurate, but this issue has caused me to have problems in the following areas, as well:

• Parallel parking
• General issues with balance
• Viewing things in 3D, including movies and those stupid 3D pictures that used to be all the rage in the 90s; i.e., I can't. We wasted all that money on the movie "Avatar."

On the plus side, my peripheral vision is pretty great. Yes, I said it first.]

In high school I tried contact lenses in my senior year, thinking it would help, but after growing up knowing my face in glasses, seeing it without was just too weird. My optometrist thought it might help a little because of something he said about even the tiny distance my eyes have to go to see through my eyeglass lenses. I don't know, I might've heard him incorrectly on that one. Anyway, my eyes are too sunken in or something, and my face felt open and exposed, so I gave them up for awhile. Because my vision is so bad and on top of everything else, I also have astigmastism, optometry and contact lens technology at the time called for those horrible gas permeable lenses, and those suckers hurt. I wore them when I got married in 1998 and have never worn them again since. I've considered them only because then I would have the option of cheaper, more fashionable sunglasses (my eyeglass lenses are really expensive), but I don't know if I would really go through with it.

In my early 20s I considered another surgery to fix it even more but gave that up after hearing the gory details that were involved. I'm a chicken, I guess. Also, at the time most of my friends claimed they didn't even notice my wonky eye, but I think this is just what people say.

(Trusting that people mean what they say, or just knowing when to not give a shit about other people and their opinion are things I also need to work on.)

Anyway, so I have this condition, and I'm self conscious about it. It makes taking photographs a little nerve racking. I have to suck in my stomach and think about where I'm focusing. Sometimes when I take the obligatory Facebook self-portrait I cheat and make sure my eyes are both looking to the side. It's a silly facial expression, the eyeball version of cocking my finger guns at the camera. And it means that when I talk to people, most of the time I don't really look into their eyes: instead I focus on their mouth. People are actually very expressive with their mouths, and mouths are really pretty to look at (unless full of food), most of the time, but it doesn't exactly allow for that eye-to-eye contact that some people need. There's a different connection when you're watching someone's mouth. Maybe nobody notices, I don't know. 

Recently I've just been doing it anyway. I've really been trying to be more open in conversation, to really look at people. Maybe I just don't care if people think I look weird anymore. Maybe my friend's blue eyes woke me up and now I can't get enough. Whatever, now I can't stop doing it. 

Look into my eyes! 

Love you,

Irene

P.S. Songs that were listened to while writing this post:

1. Lazy Eye, by Silversun Pickups (obvious choice)
2. Crosseyed and Painless by the Talking Heads (another obvious choice, and one of my favorite songs of all time)
3. Leather and Lace, by Stevie Nicks and Don Henley ("You in the moonlight with your sleepy eyes;" I know that when most people refer to "sleepy eyes" they're talking about eyes that are actually, you know, tired. But when I'm tired, my condition actually gets worse. And as much disdain as I have for the Eagles, I love this song.)
4. Cross-eyed Mary, by Jethro Tull (not really; I've never heard this song in my entire life)
5. Crosseyed, by the Morning Benders (not really, I've never heard this song in my entire life, nor do I know who this band is. Dumb name.)
6. Crosseyed, by Brendan Benson (not really; not only have I never heard this song or heard of this guy, these are really offensive lyrics.)
7. Sleepy Eyes, by Marcy Playground (not really; the only Marcy Playground song I can think of is that annoying and stupid "Sex and Candy" song; this song actually has nice lyrics and I might check it out later)